Accounts of the Mad Season
PART I: About so called friends
NOTES OF THE MAD SEASON

TO SO CALLED FRIEND(?) ... IN MY SIDE

“I don’t mean to piss you off with things I might say
So but when I try to shut my mouth, they come out anyway…" SR71

        I've been thinking this for a long time and it came to the point that I decided to break the chains that keeps me choking thru and pulling me for a no sense of reason why should I’ve been trapped in a situation that no one had ever been wanted. It seems that my role is a waste of time for being no value at all for me. And I realized that I got nothing for always taking a diplomatic ties. So I politically speaking? Maybe in other words, I’m only just getting by. Isn’t that bittersweet? And I conclude and predict that this business I’ve been entered seems to fall down for engaging a “Give & no take” relationships. Anticipating for my success and expect for my offer. Then what offer can I have in return? Am I needed for a material thing? A financial assistant? Or just merely an underdog company? Ha! Ha! Ha! Looks like a ridiculous thing for me but sad but true. Digging my own resources for others' own satisfaction(?).

        Historically, I accounted what took in the past. I used to hang close by but not knowing… I'm just forced to be isolated alone from the party for I have no right to join in what to be a secret discussion. I  over-patiently respectful to understand them for interpersonal matters yet I feel rejected. What do I look like? A servant to the one whom interested? Isn’t that insulting? Said I’m just an immature then for such matter. So do I look like innocent? Maybe my appearance is what proved to be innocent. Does it  prejudge-mental? Isn’t that unfair? So this is what they mean. So this is what they see. So this is what they treated me then. Now they come running back to me for some personal consultation, for some tip or for a piece of advice. Does they filling the holes what they were lacking then? But it’s always too late when I got nothing. Now I wish that I may now totally and permanently ISOLATED what they want me before.

        Now I’m treated so close (so what’s the big deal?) but doubtfully taken for granted. For I have a strong connection to the big fish. I used to be stupid then and now… still I’m feeling stupid. Maybe I’m dumb to let this continue for a long period of time knowing that I’m just temporarily attached and any moment it will be cut from the invalid branches of cluster. leaving me alone empty handed.

CASE DISMISSED!

        And now I’m back, glad that I go back to a company where I used to hang and belongs to. I’m truly belong. This old time company where I used hang with maybe I made a wrong decision before by I leave it to God for all my for forgiveness.

April 2003